nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
