Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
