meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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