i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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