Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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