fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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