I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize