i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
