Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
