apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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