His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
