I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
