I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
