By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
