just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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