Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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