I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh god it's open bar.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
