A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize