Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
