BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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