Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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