Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
