If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize