I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize