You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize