Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
