Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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