You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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