Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
