I want to make a zoo with you.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
