things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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