is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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