Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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