You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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