Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
