The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
