FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
