if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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