I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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