i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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