I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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