hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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