I faked an abortion last night.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize