Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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