broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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