The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
