Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
