You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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