I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
