Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
