dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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