he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
how drunk are you?
Several
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
