I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
