This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
