he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He better not be in your backpack
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
