Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
