when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
