Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
