Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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